3 days ago i celebrated my 20th birthday.

20 is a meaningless number on it's own. humans chose to count in base 10, and so it feels more special than it should be. you're growing up from being a teenager [it's in the definition].

ironically enough, just a couple months before my 20th birthday, a lot of personal things happened, these things have changed and reshaped me in many ways, some negative, some positive. it felt really strange but also very appropriate.

it's also has been a few days ago that i have left russia 2 years ago. that time was not easy, but it was a necessary transitional period. i grew up with my mother, who gave me a lot of freedom, which i am very thankful for as it's the only reason i'm here. living with my mother i felt secure, but i was not very responsible. all the way back to school, i would perform really terribly, and to this day this problem lingers on. i am very easily distracted, even if there's no distractions in front of me, and my mind wanders off all the time. right now for me it's easy to say that i could've just sat down and did the homework as i should have. but the same thing is happening with my personal projects and to a somewhat lesser extent, work [afterall, my life depends on it].

yet after all this, deep inside my soul i am still a 14 year old I was 6 years ago, just with more responsibility on my shoulders [as i should have]. some of my interests have changed, but i still do stupid things i used to, lately in fact more than i have done this past year at all. just a couple months ago i restricted myself way too much, i was too focused on my problems, i might've been too self-serious and i didn't allow myself to have fun. alas - this is how some adults, at least from my country, think people grow up, some even force it, but i am glad i was just by myself here. one by one i remove the virtual boundaries.

i don't know what to do, i don't know what's to come. i guess i'll have to see. my life seems completely fucked, especially in terms of buerocracy. but while i can't do anything i will do what i love to do. as much as i don't believe in myself, as much as i don't think i'll properly realize any of my projects, i still have aspirations.

i want to return working on SAVESCUM, maybe when my work is over. i have had a lot of time to work on it and it could've been such a nice project, but i just couldn't focus for the love of my life. [im sure it will eventually come ^u^] [joke] [hopefully not]

P.S: this article is very informal, i wrote it as i went with very little editing.

P.P.S: my favorite cake is banoffee, i am a pissed they didn't have it at the bakery u_u